Well, I recently discovered that the reason one little darling doesn\’t obey my instructions, is because I\’m not being specific enough. It is not enough to say \”Can you remove the poster that you\’re wrapping around your face and place it on the table?\” The child doesn\’t understand why i am asking this so will not comply. I have to say \”Please remove the poster from your face, because otherwise, you will not see or be able to copy down what I am writing on the whiteboard. \”

Lad on a school trip reading porn mag on the back of coach. When mother was contacted. \”Of course he\’s reading porn, do you want him to grow up gay? What\’s the matter with you teachers?

I had one precious little chap who used to quietly sit and soil himself at the age of 7. His mother informed me that of course her son soiled himself: his bowels worked differently from other boys, (how?) and couldn\’t understand why I objected, or why he was incapable of asking to go to the loo. I can only surmise that he enjoyed the warm sensation. Mother also considered him a child genius. No medical note was ever supplied.

My sister worked in a library in Glasgow. She spotted a child using a mobile phone in the years when they weren\’t so readily available, but there was a spate of illegal pre-paids floating around. She asked the child if it was her phone. Child replied \”Aye, ah\’ve got a mobile, ma brother\’s got a mobile, ma mammy\’s got a mobile….. an\’ the dug\’s got a pager\” Apparently, they\’d bought an (also illegal) pager and attached it to the dog\’s collar, so that they could buzz it when it was time for it to come home and get fed. As you say, pure class………

A mother who couldn\’t come to parents\’ evening because \” I always go to Tesco on Tuesday\” and a dad who couldn\’t come to parent\’s evening because \”I\’m playing snooker\” – he came to tell us this, he had his cue in his hand and his 18 month old toddler, who was going to the snooker hall with him.

Enjoy!