When boys and girls reach adolescence, they accumulate a multitude of messages that associate attraction and violence . These messages come from peer groups, series, films, songs, social networks… and they portray boys who show violent and contemptuous attitudes towards girls as attractive, and not so much those who are egalitarian and treat them well.

We see this, for example, in the film After , based on a series of novels for teenagers . The protagonist has a high school boyfriend who is a good guy and she treats him like a friend, without showing any desire. When she gets to university, she cheats on him with another “bad boy” and attractive. The boyfriend is understanding, which makes him seem like an insecure guy. Later, the girl finds out that her new crush has only been with her on a bet, but that doesn’t make him any less attractive since, apparently, in the end “he has really fallen in love.”

The influence of coercive dominant discourse

Associating attraction with violence and contempt is something that occurs in different environments and in different ways, and is known as “coercive dominant discourse” . Being exposed to this discourse for a long time leads girls to consider violent boys attractive and pushes them into toxic emotional-sexual relationships.

In a recent study we have analyzed the mechanisms by which this coercive dominant discourse manifests itself in the peer group, leading some girls to enter into a “disparaging” romantic or sexual relationship (with a boy who does not treat them well and who has violent attitudes and behaviors), as well as its consequences.

To do this, we have collected the experiences of 59 boys and 71 girls, 4th year ESO students (15 and 16 years old) from 3 institutes, who have told us about their interactions in the peer group.

The peer group is the group of people of a similar age with whom they share interests, activities, etc., whether inside or outside the institute, with whom they socialize and build their identity.

Why do I like the one who treats me the worst?

The peer group is one of the most important contexts for socialization and learning for adolescents. The pressure and influence it exerts on the behavior of young people leads some girls to “get involved” with violent boys, even if they do not want to do so.

The peer group also puts pressure on girls by repeatedly telling them that they really like boys with violent attitudes and behaviours, which leads many of them to end up liking – or believing that they like – these types of boys that they didn’t like before. This pressure causes violent behaviour to be normalised and accepted, and even makes girls mistake it for love, pushing them into toxic relationships.

This peer pressure also arises from the influence of media messages to which young people are exposed.

“I have seen series where the girl goes out with a boy who did not treat her well, and then he leaves her. He told her she was ugly… at the same time, she did not realize that there was another boy in her class who always looked at her and liked her.” ( Girl participating in the research )

Boys, in turn, are also pressured to follow the violent and derogatory pattern of masculinity if they want to be attractive and successful with girls.

The danger of being boring

If the girls are already in a stable relationship with a non-violent boy, the dominant coercive discourse in the group labels these girls as “boring” and pressures them to cheat on their boyfriends and “hook up” with boys with violent attitudes and behaviors, because “that’s what’s fun,” as the girls participating in the research explain when recounting their experience.

These violent behaviors range from bragging about having hooked up with someone and then despising her, despising the girl they have hooked up with once they have done so, speaking badly to her, treating her badly in front of other people or when they are alone.

There are girls who end up giving in to these pressures, hooking up with people they don’t want to and cheating on people they want, because they don’t want to be considered boring in their group and they are afraid of losing their friends. Sometimes, the actions of their friends don’t stop there.

The harassment continues when they take pictures of the girl with the boy, “making out” or being close to each other in a way that makes it look like they are, and then send the picture to the girl’s boyfriend, post it on the Internet or send it to other people, making the deception public and damaging the girl’s relationship with her boyfriend.

The health consequences

Scientific research has shown that gender-based violence has negative health consequences, including chronic pain, increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases, depression, and suicidal tendencies, among others.

Around 27% of women and girls between 15 and 49 years old have suffered some form of physical or sexual violence , so it is necessary to identify the factors that increase the risk of gender violence, especially among younger girls who are having their first relationships.

Our research shows that derogatory flirtations are one of these factors that increase the risk of gender violence in the adolescent population, socializing girls to normalize and attract violence. In addition, when derogatory flirtations are spread among many people or published on the Internet, they are linked to that girl forever, with possible serious consequences for her health. As one of them said: “The photo will follow you to your grave. There are people who end up committing suicide, because it hurts so much.”

(Good) friendship as an element of prevention

Pressuring girls to have derogatory relationships increases the likelihood that they will be victims of gender violence. Since the peer group is a very important context of pressure on girls to have these derogatory relationships, preventive intervention from the peer group itself is important.

In the research, girls talk about “peer pressure” or “fear of losing their friends,” but they also refer to “false friends” who pressure them to have a relationship with someone they don’t want.

According to the conclusions of this and other research , building quality friendships from an early age can be an important element of protection and prevention of the serious problem of gender violence.

Author Bios: Silvia Molina Roldan is a Full Professor in Education at Rovira i Virgili University, Garazi Lopez from Aguileta is a PhD and teaching assistant at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Itxaso Tellado is Associate Professor at the University of Vic – Central University of Catalonia, Leire Ugalde Lujambio is Associate Professor at the Faculty of Education, Philosophy and Anthropology at the University of the Basque Country / Euskal Herriko Unibertsitatea, Lidia Puigvert Mallart\ is Professor of Sociology at the University of Barcelona, Miguel Angel Pulido is Professor, Faculty of Psychology, Educational Sciences and Sports Blanquerna at Ramon Llull University, Ramon Flecha Garcia is Emeritus Professor of Sociology and Sandra Racionero-Plaza is Associate Professor. Socioneuroscience both at the University of Barcelona