Brands are after them, users are chasing them, everyone wants them, and for some teens, it can become an obsession or a risk: they are the “likes” on Instagram, or the followers, subscribers, and friends on YouTube and TikTok. In other words, approvals and comments help teens of the “Alpha” generation (aged 12 to 17) feel valued and accepted. It is likely that many of these virtual acknowledgements are more numerous than the hugs given in “non-digital” life.

Today, a “like” can become a reflection of the level of integration, a form of social approval that can determine the level of popularity (whether or not one is one of the “popus”, in teenage slang), which has become a value on the rise . In addition, the like is transformed into a kind of currency (#followxfollow): “If you follow me, I follow you; you like me , I like you . ”

I like you… or I hate you

The use of the networks is also generating aggressions such as cyberbullying, which includes both verbal attacks through the networks and the dissemination of digital material with private information, in order to embarrass. The worst thing is that, sometimes, it is carried out by people whom the victims considered their friends . The ease and impunity with which these behaviors can occur on the Internet leaves the victim sad, disappointed, without confidence in others and in oneself and with a feeling of fragility in relationships between peers.

Friendships are increasingly mediated by social networks: although friends are made in class, in the park or in an extracurricular group, friendships are almost always nurtured and maintained through social networks (messaging on WhatsApp, mutual following on Instagram, Tik Tok, BeReal…) But how does this virtual component affect these relationships? Are social networks a channel and means of true friendship, or is the friendship we develop on social networks just a substitute?

We all need to be seen

In reality, the desire for digital visibility masks a vital human need: we want and need to have friends. This has been the case since the beginning of humanity, because no one is built in isolation. As Aristotle states, human beings are social, and by nature, cohabitants .

New technologies have opened up a new and unknown battlefront for us, but the desire for prominence in adolescence and the need for recognition and acceptance by peers is not new, nor is it something that does not happen outside the digital environment in which we move.

For American psychologist Erik Erikson , an expert in developmental psychology, the greatest challenge facing an adolescent is establishing his or her identity. Adolescents experience a desire for autonomy and to distance themselves from their parental figures. Friendship takes on particular value in forging one’s own personal identity and becomes one of the basic interests. The sense of personal and social identity is consolidated, which will underpin their self-esteem, autonomy and responsibility.

Healthy relationships on the networks

These characteristics make it necessary to educate young people to maintain a healthy relationship with mobile phones and social networks. Save the Children points out that, when it comes to establishing rules of use at home to limit or control young people’s activities on the Internet, only 3 out of 10 have limited hours of connection, while 38% say they know the risks they face on the Internet, but 37% of teenagers say they know how to bypass the control measures.

There is an urgent need to set limits and rules for the use of social networks, a “digital diet”; establish agreements to prevent them from opening hidden accounts; activate parental controls; create technology-free spaces at home or keep devices away from the bedroom at night and during meals, etc.

But this is not enough. Even if the use of devices and networks is healthy or limited, a large part of friendships will continue to develop through them: there will be discussions in WhatsApp groups or disappointments when seeing a group of friends on Instagram in a plan in which we have not been included. How can we distinguish and forge meaningful and true relationships in this context?

Strong personalities and identities

It is inevitable that teenagers, as they develop, worry about the image they project, are worried about being made to look ridiculous, and need to feel the affirmation of their peers. This is a greater challenge when we talk about relationships on social networks, often in public.

In order to build a solid identity and have tools to avoid a global or prefabricated identity, adolescents need to know who they are. It is important for them to learn to value being more than appearance and to develop a critical sense to understand what they are, what differentiates them from others and to discern what reaches them from outside.

We get to know each other through others, but not through comments on social media. We must convey to teenagers that their dignity is untouchable and that their life has great value. A photo, a trend on TikTok and going viral are never worth more than being a person.

Author Bio: Arantxa Azqueta Diaz de Alda is Professor, Faculty of Education at UNIR – International University of La Rioja