Young children do not express their grief in the same way as adults. They may also feel guilty about the death of a loved one. This is why it is important to start a dialogue with them to understand their feelings and help them put their emotions into words. Here are some ideas to help you gauge what is happening over the ages.

It is usually our parents who accompanied our first steps and supported us during our childhood, but grandparents can also play a special role in our lives.

How do we overcome our grief over their loss? Each grieving journey is of course unique. But my work with people going through this ordeal helps shed light on what is at stake.

Understanding the circumstances of death

First, no experienced grief counselor makes assumptions about the relationship between the lost loved one and the grieving parent. Nor do they make assumptions about the thoughts or feelings experienced.

My first approach when dealing with a grieving person is to ask them to tell me, whatever their age, at their own pace, the story of the loss they are experiencing, including the events that preceded it , such as a prolonged illness or a sudden and unexpected death.

The way the person tells this story, whether it be by going into detail, bursting into tears, or adopting a neutral style, gives me important clues about their emotional state. Telling the story in a brief and dispassionate manner is a sign, for example, that the person is dissociating from their grief.

In the case of young children, their testimony helps me understand what adults told them and how far they went in their explanations. Even as a teenager or even an adult, a grandchild may not have all the information they need to understand the loss they are experiencing. Unlike their parents, they may not have witnessed the death.

Adults who tried hard to be there for their grandparent (or parent) to die but were unable to do so may experience deep feelings of guilt. The most important part of grieving is making sense of the loss . This involves understanding and expressing your feelings.

Helping young children grieve

Even the youngest child experiences the grief of bereavement in some way. Their level of intellectual and cognitive development makes a big difference in how we support them.

At an early age, he does not understand the permanence of death. A young child’s magical thinking , the egocentric stage of believing that his actions can cause events that have no real connection with them, can make him feel as if he has somehow caused this death.

The child who reaches an abstract stage of thinking about death, usually between the ages of 11 and 16, may still have difficulty using the vocabulary of emotions. Even a baby can sense the stress in his family and perceive that his parent, affected by this death , is emotionally distant.

The depth of a grandchild’s grief may not be fully understood by his or her family, who, as one might imagine, are absorbed in their own grief. It is sometimes helpful for psychologists to work collaboratively with the adults in the family .

Parents and siblings of the deceased may have expected that death would occur sooner or later, while for grandchildren the loss may have been a shock to their ‘assumptive world ‘ – that is, the personal world we know and take for granted, in this case, a world in which our grandmother or grandfather will always be there.

The seriousness of the grandparent’s condition may not have been communicated to children, and what they know may have been gleaned from overhearing snippets of adult conversation. It is not always easy to recognize a young child’s grief because it often expresses itself differently than an adult, including anger, mood swings, and regression to more childish behaviors .

I also need to know what role the grandparent played in the grandchild’s life. Grandparents often pick up their grandchildren from school, read them stories, teach them songs, help them with homework, and take them on field trips. The grandparent can be a role model for children in single-parent homes . When the grandparent has played an important role in the grandchild’s life, it takes time for the grandchild to adjust and relearn a world without his or her grandfather or grandmother.

Supporting adolescents and young adults facing death

I have worked with young adults who viewed their grandmother as a substitute for an absent mother. I have been told, “On paper, she was my grandmother, but in reality, she was my mother.” To a large extent, adults’ emotions are the same, especially in the early weeks and months of grieving .

A grandchild, no matter what age, may be left with unacknowledged grief , that is, the belief that he or she has no right to have the thoughts and feelings he or she is experiencing.

Once I am confident that my client understands what happened, can make sense of the death, and has the vocabulary to express his or her emotions, we begin

the process of adjusting to loss. Psychologists no longer expect people to let go and move on. Instead, we encourage them to hold on to memories, which helps them develop a new symbolic bond with their grandparent.

For older children, it can be helpful to look at old photos and talk with them about past events. For younger children, we use memory boxes , which they may want to decorate and fill with photos and objects that represent the loved one who has passed away or the relationship they had with them.

Young children intuitively take time to distract themselves from their grief, and to some extent adults do too, although guilt and social pressures can prevent them from doing so. It’s helpful to validate the ways they may choose to distract themselves from their grief, often with movies, computer games, or social media interactions with friends. I explain to them that this is natural and that it doesn’t diminish the connection they had with their deceased grandparent.

Grieving the loss of grandparents is part of the journey to adulthood and life progression, and for most of us, of preparing for the loss of parents. The grief will always be there. It is important to understand that it will never stop but will become easier to manage, and thus break the cycle of pain of unresolved emotions.

Author Bio: John Frederick Wilson is Honorary Research Fellow, Director of Bereavement Services Counseling & Mental Health Clinic at York St John University