“I don’t listen to adults when it comes to this kind of thing,” a 17-year-old told me. We were talking about how digital technology affected his life in the context of a project I ran with colleagues in the West of England to explore young people’s mental health, including the impact of digital technology on their emotional wellbeing .

There is a widespread perception that being online is detrimental to young people’s mental health . But when we started the project, we quickly realised that there was very little evidence to support this. The few in-depth studies on social media use and childhood mental health claim that the impacts are small, and it is difficult to draw clear conclusions.

We wanted to find out if and how young people’s wellbeing was really being affected, in order to develop resources to help them. As part of our project, we spoke to around 1,000 young people. We found that there was a disconnect between what young people were worried about in relation to their online life and what their parents and other adults were worried about.

One of the things young people told us was that adults tended to talk down to them about the dangers of online and to be very alarmist. Adults’ views on the dangers rarely matched their own. They found it frustrating to be told what was harmful without being asked about their own experiences.

Common concerns

Among the concerns young people told us were bullying and other forms of online abuse. They were also worried about missing out on the interactions (both online and in real life) that others showed on their posts, or that their posts wouldn’t get as many likes as others’.

But these concerns are rarely reflected in the media’s portrayal of the darker side of the internet. The media often explores the criminal side of abuse: grooming , the prevalence of pornography. It also tends to describe social media use with language similar to that used to talk about addiction .

Influenced by this media coverage, it is not surprising that parents approach conversations with young people with excessive concern and the assumption that their children are being harassed by predators, or that they are accessing harmful or illegal content.

We have been surveying young people about their experiences online for several years . Our latest analysis is based on 8,223 responses. One of the questions we asked is: “Have you ever been upset by something that happened online?” Although there are differences between age groups, we found that the percentage of young people who said “yes” is around 30%. Or, to put it another way, more than two-thirds of the young people surveyed had never had an unpleasant experience online.

In contrast, the online experiences reported by the 30% who did experience anger often did not match the extreme cases reported in the media. Our analysis of the responses showed that these angers were much more likely to stem from abusive comments from peers and news stories about current affairs.

This disconnect makes young people reluctant to talk to adults about their concerns. They are afraid of being told off, of the adult overreacting, or of talking to an adult making the problem worse. The adults they can turn to should make it clear that this will not happen and that they are only trying to help.

How to help

There are three things young people have consistently told us that adults could do to help : listen and understand, without judging.

Conversations are important, as is showing interest in young people’s online lives. However, these conversations don’t have to be confrontational. If a media story about young people and online harms worries or alarms parents, the conversation doesn’t have to start with: “Do you do this?” This can lead to a defensive response and the conversation being shut down. It would be much better to introduce the topic with: “Have you seen this story? What do you think?”

It is also important to work collaboratively with educators. If a parent has concerns, having a conversation with the guardians can be a useful way to support the young person. The guardian may also be aware that the young person is not behaving like themselves, or may have noticed changes in the group dynamics among their peers.

But even if they are unaware of anything, raising concerns with them – and discussing where they come from – will mean that both parents and school are focused in the same direction. It is important that young people receive both consistent messages and support. And schools will also be able to connect with other support services if needed.

Ultimately, we want young people to feel confident that they can ask for and receive help. If this doesn’t happen, it’s much more likely that the problem they’re facing will go unresolved and may even get worse.

Author Bio: Andy Phippen is Professor of IT Ethics and Digital Rights at Bournemouth University