Mario throws himself on the ground, kicking and screaming “like a man possessed.” His father, embarrassed, tries to coax him to get up, first with soft, persuasive words, then more firmly. Around them, in the supermarket queue, people look on with little or no surprise, depending on their previous experience with children of Mario’s age: 3 years old.

Those who have not had contact with people of this age might think that Mario’s father has done something terrible to the poor child. And their surprise would be huge when they find out the origin of the “tantrum”: Mario is frustrated because his father has told him that he is not going to buy any more lollipops, since there are already too many at home. Throwing himself on the floor screaming because he cannot have something? Is Mario being badly educated?

The limits of human experience

To understand children when they get frustrated, we have to start with the obvious: humans are not omnipotent. No one person can do everything. We cannot know everything, possess everything, or consume everything. In other words, human experience is limited. And this is due to two reasons:

1. Our own bodily experience is limited and has needs that we must meet.
2. We live in society, which means that there are certain actions that, although we can physically perform them, we cannot do if we want to respect the coexistence and correct development of the community in which we live.

And although this may seem obvious, people are not born knowing it and we need to learn it from childhood.

What happens when this is not learned? How do children and adolescents live when they do not internalize the experience of limits in their daily lives? What we observe in most cases is what is colloquially called frustration .

Experience of the limit

When a child or adolescent cannot complete a task that he or she has set for himself or herself and repeatedly shows us experiences of anger or nervousness, the origin will probably be that there is still something left to learn: the experience of limits .

For example, the child who gets angry when he loses the football match at recess has not yet learned that he will not always be able to win or score the goals he wants and when he wants. Playing football involves some forms of enjoyment and also accepting that what you want will not always happen.

It will be important that, from school and family, we teach how to live with this lack of control, with the possibility of losing a game, of making mistakes and not being able to do everything we would like.

Accompanying in loss

The good news is that the experience of limits can be taught. The bad news is that there are no simple or quick recipes. Learning to embrace the experience of limits has to do with the very essence of the human experience, with becoming people who live in society. And this is something that requires time and adequate accompaniment.

Below I will try to outline some of the key points of this accompaniment.

First of all, we need time . Time to be present with children and adolescents. If the child lived believing that everything was his and now it is not, it is an experience of loss, we could almost speak of mourning. We have to understand and accompany this process of loss.

Busy or absent adults

This is one of the problems we face in our time and which causes high levels of frustration and discomfort: the absence of adults . The pace of life and the current economic situation mean that many families have to prioritize work over spending time with their children.

For example, instead of being with your child all afternoon while he cries because he can’t play video games or cell phones anymore, it’s easier to let him keep playing and not be late for work or the date we had with friends.

Not this, but… this yes

A second issue to bear in mind when teaching about limits is that, along with saying “no”, there are other options that can be done. Because it is not so much about establishing prohibitions as about showing healthy and fruitful ways of living day to day.

You can’t play with your cell phone and I’m going to go with you to find many other things that you can play with and that you might like; you can’t solve math homework with the knowledge you have and there are strategies that I’m going to teach you to solve those problems; you can’t eat all the sugar you want but there are many very tasty foods that you can eat.

The example, always fundamental

The last issue is the need for witness . Children need adult role models who show them that it is possible to experience the limit and make it something virtuous. It is about showing them through the example of the adult that it is possible to enjoy life without possessing, knowing, or consuming everything.

When a father spends his time reading with his daughter instead of on social media, he is teaching that there are options for enjoyment outside of the screen. When a math teacher is passionate about her subject, she teaches her students that the difficulty of a math problem can be stimulating, instead of getting frustrated for not being able to find the answer quickly. When a mother is consistent in learning a sport or an art, she is teaching her child that life is not about doing and knowing everything, but about enjoying the long and disciplined path to learning what is most difficult for us.

In short, parents and teachers are responsible with our time and example for accompanying children and adolescents in the work of moving from frustration at not being able to do something to learning to enjoy it within the limits of what is possible.

Author Bio: Diego Martin Alonso is Professor of Didactics and School Organization at the University of Malaga