Aurora grew up in a home of strict rules and absent affection. Her father, Don Augusto, spoke little, but imposed his authority firmly. At the table, no one spoke without his permission, no one left without his authorization, and he decided the punishments.

If Aurora spilled a glass of juice, her father’s stern look was enough to freeze her in her chair. “You’re a disaster, you’re useless,” he would say in a harsh voice, without explaining how to avoid such mistakes.

Every afternoon, she would retreat into her room alone and silently, hoping not to be noticed. When she got a bad grade, her father would not ask what had happened. He would only order: “More hours of study, less nonsense or there will be cattle chaff,” pointing to his belt. In their home, there were no hugs or words of encouragement, only rules, punishments and demands.

When Aurora had children, she wanted to be a loving and permissive mother. That’s why she often finds it difficult to say no to them. She thinks that in order to avoid being authoritarian and overly demanding, it’s best to let the children discover for themselves how far they can go and what they shouldn’t do.

And yet, recent scientific evidence supports the importance of parents setting limits, expressing expectations and creating guidelines to guide the behavior of children and adolescents, as this helps structure their environment and provides them with security about what is or is not acceptable in their conduct.

Authority or firmness

We call the way in which each parent or caregiver establishes limits “authoritative style.” Studies have shown that these styles materialize in communication and affectivity. We are “authoritarian” when our messages are aggressive and disqualifying: saying “your notebook is dirty” is not the same as saying “you are a pig.” These types of messages, as in Aurora’s story, can have a profound impact on child development.

We are “firm” when our communication is respectful and we explain the reasons behind the rules and inappropriate behavior, encouraging the internalization of values ​​and critical thinking . For example, if a child hits a classmate, a democratic parent can ask him: “Why did you do that?”, “How do you think he felt?”, “What would happen if your sister had been hit?” Instead of reprimanding him, try to get him to reflect on his action and develop empathy.

Boundaries should be aimed at changing behavior thoughtfully and firmly, not at affecting the person themselves.

Affection and limits

Contrary to what Aurora, the protagonist of our story, may believe, the truth is that it is not only possible to show affection to children by setting limits, but that setting them is a way of loving them. In addition to being firm, we can be affectionate and make them feel loved, something fundamental for their emotional development .

Setting firm rules and enforcing them is compatible with physical contact, a kind tone of voice, emotional validation, and genuine interest in the child’s well-being. Research links this warmth to better social-emotional adjustment, higher self-esteem, and emotional regulation skills in childhood and adolescence.

For example, if a child wants to continue playing on his tablet beyond the allowed time, a parent who combines warmth with limits might say:

“I know you are having a lot of fun with your game, but we have already agreed that after 30 minutes the tablet is turned off to do another activity. If you want, we can read a story together or play with your blocks for a while before going to sleep. It is important to take care of your rest and respect the agreements.”

This approach balances love and structure, allowing the child to understand boundaries without feeling rejected or punished. The father did the following:

1. He recognized the child’s feelings.
2. He reaffirmed the boundary firmly and calmly.
3. He offered an alternative and accompanied.
4. He showed affection and confidence.

It is a mistake to think that coldness and lack of emotional expression help us to strengthen our authority. Paternal and maternal warmth encourages a greater willingness to listen, self-control and compliance with rules without physical punishment . It can also be a mistake to think that if we set limits and establish rules we will be authoritarian parents.

Aurora’s story reflects the reality of many children raised under an authoritarian parenting style, where strict discipline leaves little room for understanding and affection. Without a balance between rules and emotional connection, children can grow up insecure and have difficulty trusting themselves and others.

Author Bio: Martha Rocio Gonzalez Bernal is Dean Faculty of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences at the University of La Sabana